Been a tough day...errr week actually :(

Ugh...what a draining week in so many ways.  Work has been long certain days because I've been getting ready for the launch of our new re-skinned website.  With that I've had to create custom content for the product pages we want to feature.  You would think writing a few words wouldn't be that hard; but it's not just the stuff that you read when you come to the website but all the back-end SEO/meta data as well.  Page specific keywords, descriptions, titles...all that crap too.  We already rank fairly well when you search for certain things, but want to kinda hit a more wide range of search terms in Google.  I guess we'll see in the upcoming weeks if any of my marketing and website writing will help drum up business...

The remainder of the week has been a drain emotionally and physically.  Thoughts of my mom have been popping up from different things; a song, a TV show, a thought...you name it.  It's been tough.  Today for that reason and others I pretty much just sort of shut down inside.  I've been trying not to do that lately, trying to voice my emotional feelings to Erin and talk about so that I don't just mentally roll up in a ball and tune everyone out.  It's hard to change what I usually do when it comes to that stuff and I don't have mom to call up and talk to anymore about that.  She always knew the right thing to say or not say.  I have been getting better though, I think...even Erin said the other day that she appreciated me telling her what was rumbling around in my head.  Small steps in the right direction I guess.

The last thing that has been killing me is my weight loss stuff.  I am still so angry with myself inside for gaining it back.  I lost a good chunk the first 3 weeks and now have just stayed the same the past 2 or 3.  I even went back through all the stuff I did last time to see if I've forgotten something or if I'm doing something different.  I've been logging my food, drinking all my water, riding my bike on weekends, exercising at home, Erin and I started walking again, yet I'm stuck.  I don't know what the hell I'm doing differently or wrong from the last time.  Today with everything that mounted up I just wanted to give up and say fuck it, who cares!  I finally said something to Erin later on tonight and she talked me down and everything.  I just don't know what else to do some days.  Getting myself out of my own head is the hardest thing to do.  It's exhausting sometimes.

Well on that note, I'll leave you with some lyrics from one of my favorite new bands...Battlecross! When listening to a song sometimes its hard to think about why a musician wrote it; what was going on in their own life?; what experiences have they had?  It's always interesting to see people try to explain or translate the meaning of songs.  Here are two passages from a song called "Flesh and Bone" that in one way or another really hit home with me.  Now if you go out and try and listen to this song I know some of you won't really like the genre, but sometimes you need too look at the more underlying notion of music...the lyrics...

"A hopeless existence - its not a life to lead - there is no redemption if you can't fight for yourself"

"Push - push your past aside - don't let fear eat you inside - grow through the pain - you're more than flesh and bone"

Like I said, I don't know what Kyle and the other guys from Battlecross were thinking when they wrote this song, but for me, both sets of lyrics have very important meanings to me!

Night all! BTW next post will be #100!!!

OH PS...if the guys from Battlecross actually read this (not likely) but I'd love to know the meaning for you guys behind the lyrics!